♥Tuesday, February 21, 2012♥
Cheesy boy,
I’m not sure exactly what all these that i'm feeling for you means. Sometimes when I think about it, it scares me.. I don’t even really know you well enough to say those three words… But I already did. And I love every single bit of the you I know so far.
Our time together is spent fondly, never a waste of my time. With every new thing I learn about you, I feel a sharp, sudden intake of breath with the realization that I am falling.
You are sweet, and kind and your smile makes my heart skip a beat. I look at you and see the snapshots of imaginary moments of us together. Laughing, holding hands, holding each other, singing, tangled up sweetly, quietly, closely, so very happy.
I couldn’t stand to ever hurt you. I am also afraid that you could hurt me. I am not sure if you even remotely feel anything like what I feel for you..
But I want you to know that I think you are amazing. You should know that my heart will race every time I see you. I catch my breath whenever I see you smile. And I wish we lived in a world where we could be something so much more. <3
I can never tell you in person why i loved you. Because.. It'll be a lilttle too much to mention.
So, here goes.
I love how i can just be myself when I'm with you, cause you always makes me feel good about myself and I can be clumsy and foolish when I am with you, yet know that you'll still love me.
Being in your arms makes me feel like I can never be lost again. And i thank you for keeping me warm when i'm cold.. Not just with your arms. It's really sweet when you hand me over your shirt to keep myself warm when you yourself can't stand the cold.
When you listen, I know you're really listening and not just waiting for your turn to talk. You would listen to me when I need to rant, or for most of the time i can't have you infront of me, you'd be reading my rants from your phone screen. :)
You always give in and does things I like or my way, even if you doesn't really like it. Or don't like it at all. You know, things like the salted popcorn, cigg, and that i had you agreed to come to the chalet on both friday and saturday.. And prolly many more things to come? :p
I just love it how you're always happy to meet me. And that you'd probably be a bit bingit cause i'm always late. But you'll wait anyways... And love it that you always have something to talk about.
You're irresistible hugable and kissable. I enjoy nibbling up and down your neck as I could see you enjoying it as well.. Hoho!
You always think of the things we haven't done together when thinking of a plan.. And most of the time they're the things i've never done before.. You excite me in so many ways. How can i not love you? Apart from the "not-so-good" things you have done that most guys did as well, you are different from all the other guys I have met.. So.. What's not to love..?
And i could go on listing why i fell in love with you and why i'm falling even deeper but it prolly would never end or it would have to take me half the day.
And yea.. I'll end this right here right now... I need to catch up with my sleep! I love you boo. <3
♥Now, it's broken
@ 3:04 PM
@ 3:04 PM
♥Saturday, January 7, 2012♥
I smiled and sighed upon reading all the previous posts.
It really brought back the memories. I'm reminded of the hard times I've went through.
Though it sounds stupid,
Like a mangled body trying to walk again, I struggle to move on.
It's all the shits that made me who I am today.
One moment everything seemed so perfect.
Next moment, everything just tumble down.
It's the least I expected. Some people just gotta learn it the hard way.
---------------------
I sometimes don't understand myself.
All these mixed emotions.
I am moving on but there's just something I haven't got over.
And I can't seem to figure out what it is.
I just don't feel complete.
I guess I've been hurt too much and my heart is.. Broken?
I know it's such a cliche to say that, but it really is.
Been strong for a little too long.
I want to apologize to my current love interest.
I have loved you, but not in the way you would have wanted.
I have let you into my life deeply and completely, and uttered those three fatal words.
I built you to perfection in my mind, because you were the only one who showed any real interest in spending your life with me.
But sometimesI'm just blinded by my pain and can't see beyond that and everything fell apart.
From the last I deified you, I "fell for you" almost instantly.
But it is not so. I've known for some months now that
I have been pretending that you're all i ever wanted.
I don't expect you to make me feel complete.
That would just be for purely selfish reasons, because here's the kicker,
I wouldn't want to spend my days alone.
I'm so afraid of being alone, having no one to hold me and kiss me and be ever so gentle,
to keep me safe and warm, to satisfy my transient lewd desires, to be my companion.
Because I feel I will never be able to find anyone else to love me after you.
I've convinced myself that my feelings were genuine.. I can't apologise enough for making you fall in love with someone who is probably incapable of reciprocating the feeling. It's alright though, because I will probably end up alone anyway.
To you, who loves me in this moment goes my deepest apology.
The connection we shared was amazing. Making love to you could not be described by any jumble of letters provided by the world’s largest dictionary.
I haven't yet the strength to cut you free, because now I know I will hurt you, and that will hurt me. Hurting you, I couldn’t fathom
I am selfish. If I truly cared I would have told you by now, and let you find someone who can love you the way you wish i would or thought i did.
The feeble part of me prays you will lose interest in me before I have to tell you this.
I love you. I just can't figure out why i can't entirely let you in.
This feeling is too overwhelming, I want to run from it, hide from it but I cant.
-------------------------------
Having put that aside,
life had given me an abundance that I was not deserving of.
Remind me through the beauty of this world and that there is so much left to see and do.
I want so desperately to taste life's goodness and fullness.
Life taught me a great lesson on humility.
It is through my broken heart that I am now able to see another’s pain.
I learned that I must bend or else I will break.
I thought I was invincible, but now I see just how fragile some people have made me.
I thank you God for showing me that out days aren't measured by years, hours or minutes, but in our breaths and heartbeats.
It really brought back the memories. I'm reminded of the hard times I've went through.
Though it sounds stupid,
Like a mangled body trying to walk again, I struggle to move on.
It's all the shits that made me who I am today.
One moment everything seemed so perfect.
Next moment, everything just tumble down.
It's the least I expected. Some people just gotta learn it the hard way.
---------------------
I sometimes don't understand myself.
All these mixed emotions.
I am moving on but there's just something I haven't got over.
And I can't seem to figure out what it is.
I just don't feel complete.
I guess I've been hurt too much and my heart is.. Broken?
I know it's such a cliche to say that, but it really is.
Been strong for a little too long.
I want to apologize to my current love interest.
I have loved you, but not in the way you would have wanted.
I have let you into my life deeply and completely, and uttered those three fatal words.
I built you to perfection in my mind, because you were the only one who showed any real interest in spending your life with me.
But sometimesI'm just blinded by my pain and can't see beyond that and everything fell apart.
From the last I deified you, I "fell for you" almost instantly.
But it is not so. I've known for some months now that
I have been pretending that you're all i ever wanted.
I don't expect you to make me feel complete.
That would just be for purely selfish reasons, because here's the kicker,
I wouldn't want to spend my days alone.
I'm so afraid of being alone, having no one to hold me and kiss me and be ever so gentle,
to keep me safe and warm, to satisfy my transient lewd desires, to be my companion.
Because I feel I will never be able to find anyone else to love me after you.
I've convinced myself that my feelings were genuine.. I can't apologise enough for making you fall in love with someone who is probably incapable of reciprocating the feeling. It's alright though, because I will probably end up alone anyway.
To you, who loves me in this moment goes my deepest apology.
The connection we shared was amazing. Making love to you could not be described by any jumble of letters provided by the world’s largest dictionary.
I haven't yet the strength to cut you free, because now I know I will hurt you, and that will hurt me. Hurting you, I couldn’t fathom
I am selfish. If I truly cared I would have told you by now, and let you find someone who can love you the way you wish i would or thought i did.
The feeble part of me prays you will lose interest in me before I have to tell you this.
I love you. I just can't figure out why i can't entirely let you in.
This feeling is too overwhelming, I want to run from it, hide from it but I cant.
-------------------------------
Having put that aside,
life had given me an abundance that I was not deserving of.
Remind me through the beauty of this world and that there is so much left to see and do.
I want so desperately to taste life's goodness and fullness.
Life taught me a great lesson on humility.
It is through my broken heart that I am now able to see another’s pain.
I learned that I must bend or else I will break.
I thought I was invincible, but now I see just how fragile some people have made me.
I thank you God for showing me that out days aren't measured by years, hours or minutes, but in our breaths and heartbeats.
The things two people do to each other they remember. If they stay together, it's not because they forget; it's because they forgive.
♥Now, it's broken
@ 7:03 PM
@ 7:03 PM
♥Saturday, April 23, 2011♥
Wow. My blog sure is dusty.
Been quiet some time. Same old thing, I typed down,
Backspaced everything, an close the page. Hehh..
Doesn't matter. Don't think anyone would be reading anyways..
--------------------------------
Dearest Y,
I don't wanna believe what I heard last night.
I mean what I was being told.
But It's hard not to believe when I could see all the possibilities.
It breaks my heart.
I can't tell you what I was told. But if it's true then I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. And if it's true, I hope you'll fix it.
I don't know how I feel towards you now.
I'm pretty much confused.
You always talk about me. Now I'm not surprised why you get paranoid sometimes.
Because you're afraid I'd do the things you're doing.
That should explain everything. I wish I had just stayed home last night.
----------------------------------
I hope life would treat me better soon.
I'll be more patient. And give in more. And talk less.
Insya'allah. =)
K I'm done here.
*I could really use a karaoke session.
Been quiet some time. Same old thing, I typed down,
Backspaced everything, an close the page. Hehh..
Doesn't matter. Don't think anyone would be reading anyways..
--------------------------------
Dearest Y,
I don't wanna believe what I heard last night.
I mean what I was being told.
But It's hard not to believe when I could see all the possibilities.
It breaks my heart.
I can't tell you what I was told. But if it's true then I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. And if it's true, I hope you'll fix it.
I don't know how I feel towards you now.
I'm pretty much confused.
You always talk about me. Now I'm not surprised why you get paranoid sometimes.
Because you're afraid I'd do the things you're doing.
That should explain everything. I wish I had just stayed home last night.
----------------------------------
I hope life would treat me better soon.
I'll be more patient. And give in more. And talk less.
Insya'allah. =)
K I'm done here.
*I could really use a karaoke session.
♥Now, it's broken
@ 3:56 AM
@ 3:56 AM
♥Thursday, January 6, 2011♥
It's been quite some time since i last blogged.
One of the reason would be, I was too busy with work.
I never even had time to even visit my blog.
And, also.. Last few days, I was blogging, when my mind actually went blank in a sudden.
So I just backspaced everything, logged out and shut down the PC.
My 2011 didn't start out very well.
I don't wish to elaborate any further.
I missed my job. Okay I lied. Nyeahahaha.
I miss the people I used to work with.
I've been very free since I came back from my holidays.
Or should I say since my last day at Quest Lab.
Mum is hospitalized. She started out with asthma but found out later
it's not. She won't be discharged any time soon, that for sure.
Cause she's still feeble. She can't walk much.
I hope she gets well soon. Everything is so messed up without you at home.
Gaahhhh...
And Regarding my previous post,
I'm glad he finally came to realize what he should have realized long before.
But I'm very sorry. It's a little too late for him to turn back around to look for me
just so I could tell him about how much I know how
he felt when people start doing the things they do best.
I hate to to break it up to you, But look what you've been missing baby. =)
And on the other hand.
I'm finally very much content now. *kening naik2*
I've got my IPhone 4 I've been longing for.
I have my two bloody best friend who i can count on.
Whom I can relax and just hang out, have fun and share my innermost thoughts, deep dark secrets, lofty and noble goals, or my hopes, joys, and fears.
My family, the compass that guide me.
They are the inspiration to reach great heights,
and my comfort when I occasionally falter.
And, that I've found my stepping stone.
The one I seemed to have loved in numberless forms and numberless times.
And the hours I spent with him, I look upon as sort of a perfumed garden, a dim twilight, and a fountain singing to it. Awesome!
Apart the fact that I need to get a new job, I'm so ready to get married in four years time.
Wahahahahahahahhaha!!!
And most certainly, they are my pillars of strength.
And before I start posting something radically absurd,
I'll end my post here.
Life is gooood. :D
Good bye, Bitches.
♥Now, it's broken
@ 3:17 AM
@ 3:17 AM
♥Wednesday, September 15, 2010♥
Here's my apology, my friend.
I'm sorry I already told your friend I'd go Geylang only If she'd go with me.
I'm sorry she just didn't wanna go with me. Cause I don't mind taking the train.
As long as I'm not alone.
I'm sorry I was only kidding when I asked your friend to come and fetch me to Geylang on the eve of raya. If I really wanted someone to fetch me, I'd ask your other friend if he could help.
That is if I really want, I'd do it.
I'm sorry I already told your friend not to force you to come over to Woodlands,
But your friend wouldn't listen. And someone else just can't resist but to get in the picture and persuade you.
When I already said it's okay.
I'm sorry I didn't pay for anything when you guys bought anything.
I'm sorry I was the one who was being asked to walked over to 7 eleven
and tell you that someone else wanted a can of redbull..
I'm sorry I refused when you offered to buy me a burger.
Or when you asked me if I wanted anything,
I'm sorry I always say I No.
I'm sorry when you asked me to take another can of drink,
I told you we should just share because i don't wanna waste your money.
I'm sorry you only asked me to come over to
Hougang myself when it was already almost midnight.
I'm sorry you wasted your time coming all the way here from Hougang
for nothing just because someone or something ruined everything and embarrass me but then
again I was the one to blame..
I'm sorry you passed my number to your friend.
I'm sorry you wanted to go Johor when i asked you along to
waterfront with your friend(s).
I'm sorry I didn't fork out $$$ to sing just one fucking song.
I'm sorry you offered to pay for my prata and drinks when I say I don't wanna eat.
I'm sorry your friend asked me out on the night you came down for pool.
I'm sorry your friend wanted to treat me to MacDonalds on my birthday but I told him
I've already had my supper. When actually, I was starving.
And I'm ever so sorry for whatever reason that would make you and your friends think I'm making use of any of you or anything else for that matter.
For fucks sake if you can't do or pay something for me willingly then tell me.
Don't pretend like it's okay when to you, it really isn't.
You don't live to please people for the rest of your life.
At least don't pretend. I don't prey on hypocrisy.
I spent the whole bloody morning and evening and until another morning, thinking of what really made you feel in such a way..
I came up with nothing but these.
I just missed that part. I can't seem to find that fact anywhere.
Neither have I found a need to make a drastic change.
I hope you'll come to realize who's really taking any of you for granted. Soon.
And when you have, I'd tell you I know how
you felt when people start doing the things they do best..
take care boys. =)
I'm sorry I already told your friend I'd go Geylang only If she'd go with me.
I'm sorry she just didn't wanna go with me. Cause I don't mind taking the train.
As long as I'm not alone.
I'm sorry I was only kidding when I asked your friend to come and fetch me to Geylang on the eve of raya. If I really wanted someone to fetch me, I'd ask your other friend if he could help.
That is if I really want, I'd do it.
I'm sorry I already told your friend not to force you to come over to Woodlands,
But your friend wouldn't listen. And someone else just can't resist but to get in the picture and persuade you.
When I already said it's okay.
I'm sorry I didn't pay for anything when you guys bought anything.
I'm sorry I was the one who was being asked to walked over to 7 eleven
and tell you that someone else wanted a can of redbull..
I'm sorry I refused when you offered to buy me a burger.
Or when you asked me if I wanted anything,
I'm sorry I always say I No.
I'm sorry when you asked me to take another can of drink,
I told you we should just share because i don't wanna waste your money.
I'm sorry you only asked me to come over to
Hougang myself when it was already almost midnight.
I'm sorry you wasted your time coming all the way here from Hougang
for nothing just because someone or something ruined everything and embarrass me but then
again I was the one to blame..
I'm sorry you passed my number to your friend.
I'm sorry you wanted to go Johor when i asked you along to
waterfront with your friend(s).
I'm sorry I didn't fork out $$$ to sing just one fucking song.
I'm sorry you offered to pay for my prata and drinks when I say I don't wanna eat.
I'm sorry your friend asked me out on the night you came down for pool.
I'm sorry your friend wanted to treat me to MacDonalds on my birthday but I told him
I've already had my supper. When actually, I was starving.
And I'm ever so sorry for whatever reason that would make you and your friends think I'm making use of any of you or anything else for that matter.
For fucks sake if you can't do or pay something for me willingly then tell me.
Don't pretend like it's okay when to you, it really isn't.
You don't live to please people for the rest of your life.
At least don't pretend. I don't prey on hypocrisy.
I spent the whole bloody morning and evening and until another morning, thinking of what really made you feel in such a way..
I came up with nothing but these.
I just missed that part. I can't seem to find that fact anywhere.
Neither have I found a need to make a drastic change.
I hope you'll come to realize who's really taking any of you for granted. Soon.
And when you have, I'd tell you I know how
you felt when people start doing the things they do best..
take care boys. =)
♥Now, it's broken
@ 2:41 PM
@ 2:41 PM
♥Monday, July 26, 2010♥
I'm gonna blog now before i turn in.
I've been very busy lately. Busy with work and busy staying away from those trying to get too close. I thank you people for showing me how much you care and for making me feel so content. I'm very sorry if I've hurt any of you in any ways.
Im sorry I'm not looking for another. No, I haven't had my heart set on any other.
I'm just not ready to let anyone walk into my life causing severe damages to my heart leaving their footprints behind.. Not again. Not now. Not until I could fix it myself. I still need all of you though, you guys are my stepping stone, the ones who put a smile on my face everyday just by reading your text msgs. If i could, I really would press reset and feel the feeling again. Then I wouldn't have to keep running away.
I've got so much more to say but these eyes dh tak bole tashan.
So yeahh...
Goodnight and goodbye. <3
*I can't wait to face you, make you pain like i do, break you down so low that there's no place left to go.*
♥Now, it's broken
@ 10:48 AM
@ 10:48 AM
♥Thursday, July 8, 2010♥
Okay, for the sake of blogging cause it's getting dusty here.
I've been enjoying my self lately. I get to see how great my life is right now.
Hmm.. What else.. I've been wearing alot of pink. And I've been singing alot.
Been spending alot on Cash Studio and Party World. Haha.
And dude, perangai kau pecah. Are always that desperate or what? pfft.
Okay, I'm done. I'll blog again. Soon. Maybe. *hugs*
I love this part right here.
♥Now, it's broken
@ 1:31 AM
@ 1:31 AM
