In loving Memories.

2012-01-07T19:03:00.000-08:00

I smiled and sighed upon reading all the previous posts.
It really brought back the memories. I'm reminded of the hard times I've went through.
Though it sounds stupid,
Like a mangled body trying to walk again, I struggle to move on.
It's all the shits that made me who I am today.
One moment everything seemed so perfect.
Next moment, everything just tumble down.
It's the least I expected. Some people just gotta learn it the hard way.

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I sometimes don't understand myself.
All these mixed emotions.

I am moving on but there's just something I haven't got over.
And I can't seem to figure out what it is.
I just don't feel complete.
I guess I've been hurt too much and my heart is.. Broken?
I know it's such a cliche to say that, but it really is.
Been strong for a little too long.

I want to apologize to my current love interest.
I have loved you, but not in the way you would have wanted.
I have let you into my life deeply and completely, and uttered those three fatal words.
I built you to perfection in my mind, because you were the only one who showed any real interest in spending your life with me.
But sometimesI'm just blinded by my pain and can't see beyond that and everything fell apart.

From the last I deified you, I "fell for you" almost instantly.
But it is not so. I've known for some months now that
I have been pretending that you're all i ever wanted.
I don't expect you to make me feel complete.
That would just be for purely selfish reasons, because here's the kicker,
I wouldn't want to spend my days alone.
I'm so afraid of being alone, having no one to hold me and kiss me and be ever so gentle,
to keep me safe and warm, to satisfy my transient lewd desires, to be my companion.
Because I feel I will never be able to find anyone else to love me after you.
I've convinced myself that my feelings were genuine.. I can't apologise enough for making you fall in love with someone who is probably incapable of reciprocating the feeling. It's alright though, because I will probably end up alone anyway.

To you, who loves me in this moment goes my deepest apology.
The connection we shared was amazing. Making love to you could not be described by any jumble of letters provided by the world’s largest dictionary.
I haven't yet the strength to cut you free, because now I know I will hurt you, and that will hurt me. Hurting you, I couldn’t fathom
I am selfish. If I truly cared I would have told you by now, and let you find someone who can love you the way you wish i would or thought i did.

The feeble part of me prays you will lose interest in me before I have to tell you this.
I love you. I just can't figure out why i can't entirely let you in.
This feeling is too overwhelming, I want to run from it, hide from it but I cant.
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Having put that aside,
life had given me an abundance that I was not deserving of.
Remind me through the beauty of this world and that there is so much left to see and do.
I want so desperately to taste life's goodness and fullness.

Life taught me a great lesson on humility.
It is through my broken heart that I am now able to see another’s pain.
I learned that I must bend or else I will break.
I thought I was invincible, but now I see just how fragile some people have made me.

I thank you God for showing me that out days aren't measured by years, hours or minutes, but in our breaths and heartbeats.

The things two people do to each other they remember. If they stay together, it's not because they forget; it's because they forgive.

2011-04-23T03:56:00.000-07:00

Wow. My blog sure is dusty.
Been quiet some time. Same old thing, I typed down,
Backspaced everything, an close the page. Hehh..
Doesn't matter. Don't think anyone would be reading anyways..

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Dearest Y,
I don't wanna believe what I heard last night.
I mean what I was being told.
But It's hard not to believe when I could see all the possibilities.
It breaks my heart.
I can't tell you what I was told. But if it's true then I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. And if it's true, I hope you'll fix it.
I don't know how I feel towards you now.
I'm pretty much confused.

You always talk about me. Now I'm not surprised why you get paranoid sometimes.
Because you're afraid I'd do the things you're doing.
That should explain everything. I wish I had just stayed home last night.

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I hope life would treat me better soon.
I'll be more patient. And give in more. And talk less.
Insya'allah. =)

K I'm done here.

*I could really use a karaoke session.

2011-01-06T03:17:00.000-08:00

It's been quite some time since i last blogged.
One of the reason would be, I was too busy with work.
I never even had time to even visit my blog.
And, also.. Last few days, I was blogging, when my mind actually went blank in a sudden.
So I just backspaced everything, logged out and shut down the PC.

My 2011 didn't start out very well.
I don't wish to elaborate any further.
I missed my job. Okay I lied. Nyeahahaha.
I miss the people I used to work with.

I've been very free since I came back from my holidays.
Or should I say since my last day at Quest Lab.
Mum is hospitalized. She started out with asthma but found out later
it's not. She won't be discharged any time soon, that for sure.
Cause she's still feeble. She can't walk much.
I hope she gets well soon. Everything is so messed up without you at home.
Gaahhhh...

And Regarding my previous post,
I'm glad he finally came to realize what he should have realized long before.
But I'm very sorry. It's a little too late for him to turn back around to look for me
just so I could tell him about how much I know how
he felt when people start doing the things they do best.

I hate to to break it up to you, But look what you've been missing baby. =)

And on the other hand.
I'm finally very much content now. *kening naik2*
I've got my IPhone 4 I've been longing for.
I have my two bloody best friend who i can count on.
Whom I can relax and just hang out, have fun and share my innermost thoughts, deep dark secrets, lofty and noble goals, or my hopes, joys, and fears.
My family, the compass that guide me.
They are the inspiration to reach great heights,
and my comfort when I occasionally falter.
And, that I've found my stepping stone.
The one I seemed to have loved in numberless forms and numberless times.
And the hours I spent with him, I look upon as sort of a perfumed garden, a dim twilight, and a fountain singing to it. Awesome!
Apart the fact that I need to get a new job, I'm so ready to get married in four years time.
Wahahahahahahahhaha!!!
And most certainly, they are my pillars of strength.

And before I start posting something radically absurd,
I'll end my post here.

Life is gooood. :D

Good bye, Bitches.

2010-09-15T14:41:00.000-07:00

Here's my apology, my friend.

I'm sorry I already told your friend I'd go Geylang only If she'd go with me.
I'm sorry she just didn't wanna go with me. Cause I don't mind taking the train.
As long as I'm not alone.

I'm sorry I was only kidding when I asked your friend to come and fetch me to Geylang on the eve of raya. If I really wanted someone to fetch me, I'd ask your other friend if he could help.
That is if I really want, I'd do it.

I'm sorry I already told your friend not to force you to come over to Woodlands,
But your friend wouldn't listen. And someone else just can't resist but to get in the picture and persuade you.
When I already said it's okay.

I'm sorry I didn't pay for anything when you guys bought anything.

I'm sorry I was the one who was being asked to walked over to 7 eleven
and tell you that someone else wanted a can of redbull..

I'm sorry I refused when you offered to buy me a burger.
Or when you asked me if I wanted anything,
I'm sorry I always say I No.

I'm sorry when you asked me to take another can of drink,
I told you we should just share because i don't wanna waste your money.

I'm sorry you only asked me to come over to
Hougang myself when it was already almost midnight.

I'm sorry you wasted your time coming all the way here from Hougang
for nothing just because someone or something ruined everything and embarrass me but then
again I was the one to blame..

I'm sorry you passed my number to your friend.

I'm sorry you wanted to go Johor when i asked you along to
waterfront with your friend(s).

I'm sorry I didn't fork out $$$ to sing just one fucking song.

I'm sorry you offered to pay for my prata and drinks when I say I don't wanna eat.

I'm sorry your friend asked me out on the night you came down for pool.

I'm sorry your friend wanted to treat me to MacDonalds on my birthday but I told him
I've already had my supper. When actually, I was starving.

And I'm ever so sorry for whatever reason that would make you and your friends think I'm making use of any of you or anything else for that matter.

For fucks sake if you can't do or pay something for me willingly then tell me.
Don't pretend like it's okay when to you, it really isn't.
You don't live to please people for the rest of your life.
At least don't pretend. I don't prey on hypocrisy.

I spent the whole bloody morning and evening and until another morning, thinking of what really made you feel in such a way..
I came up with nothing but these.
I just missed that part. I can't seem to find that fact anywhere.
Neither have I found a need to make a drastic change.

I hope you'll come to realize who's really taking any of you for granted. Soon.
And when you have, I'd tell you I know how
you felt when people start doing the things they do best..

take care boys. =)

2010-07-26T10:48:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna blog now before i turn in.
I've been very busy lately. Busy with work and busy staying away from those trying to get too close. I thank you people for showing me how much you care and for making me feel so content. I'm very sorry if I've hurt any of you in any ways.

Im sorry I'm not looking for another. No, I haven't had my heart set on any other.
I'm just not ready to let anyone walk into my life causing severe damages to my heart leaving their footprints behind.. Not again. Not now. Not until I could fix it myself. I still need all of you though, you guys are my stepping stone, the ones who put a smile on my face everyday just by reading your text msgs. If i could, I really would press reset and feel the feeling again. Then I wouldn't have to keep running away.

I've got so much more to say but these eyes dh tak bole tashan.
So yeahh...
Goodnight and goodbye. <3

I can't wait to face you, make you pain like i do, break you down so low that there's no place left to go.

2010-07-08T01:31:00.000-07:00

Okay, for the sake of blogging cause it's getting dusty here.
I've been enjoying my self lately. I get to see how great my life is right now.
Hmm.. What else.. I've been wearing alot of pink. And I've been singing alot.
Been spending alot on Cash Studio and Party World. Haha.
And dude, perangai kau pecah. Are always that desperate or what? pfft.

Okay, I'm done. I'll blog again. Soon. Maybe. *hugs*

I love this part right here.

2010-06-27T20:32:00.001-07:00

Earlier this morning, I was about to post another entry.
But now i think, I better not.

Dear ex bf, I admit I'm not over you.
Maybe not yet. But I'm sure I will now that I see there's really a need to.
You and I both know the only reason why I loved you so much and why It's really hard for me to get over this. The things we use to do together, I now have to do it alone. The places we used to sit and talk, I now sit alone. The mornings i wake up seeing you next to me, I now wake up staring straight on a blank wall. The only time I'd be able see you is when I close my eyes before bed. I still listen to the song you sang to me. I still browse through the photos we took together. I have to stop hoping for you to come back now that i see all we had is completely gone. You moved on so easy. You could forget me in an instant. And now you came back asking me pay your bills. Whats yours, is no longer mine now. Either ways, I still won't be able to meet you. Remind me why should I should i pay them again. What you took away from me cost alot more than your bills.

All these while, I've been trying extremely hard to be strong enough to pull through.
I did so many things just to get you off of my mind even for a little while.
I shall not put it all to waste and should now make it happen.
I shall no longer drop a single tear for you.
I shall just let everything go and not bother.
I shall not get upset over the things that would remind me of you.
I shall not regret my the decision I made.
I've got alot of love to give and a whole lot more to receive.
The day I'd pay your debts will be the day you could return what you've taken from me.
I'm not embarrassed that you're actually trying to tell the world.
I'm embarrassed that I've known you. I regret I didn't listen to the people around me.
Bloody pathetic gay.

lightning don't strike the same place twice.

2010-06-18T03:48:00.000-07:00

Got home at about 8 this morning, super shagged.
Was at Yew Tee till about 6 am, when a friend wanted to meet his little chick so much.
So rode all the way to jurong, then to Lakeside park.
And when I just can't stand it anymore, we decided to just go back home.
We were supposed to be home in the first place.

And now I'm here, home alone.
I can't stay home alone. I'd think of so many things I shouldn't even have thought of.
Okay, I've got nothing much to blog about. I've already blogged last night.
And nothing interesting has yet to happen.
So yeah. I'm goin off now.
Goodbye, bitches. Fuck you, Mwah!

*I missed you tonight.*

2010-06-17T10:41:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since i last blogged.
Everytime I type down something here, I tend to delete everything and close the tab.
I know my previous post sounds a little emotional.

I gotta admit after all these while, I still wish he was still mine.
The peace of mind I left behind I pray he'll keep in his perfect garden.
Apart from that, I'm able to socialize again now.
I've met quite a few people. I fell for a few.
Which clearly shows how I haven't found the right one yet.
So, I have to let them all go.

I'm just scared. I am so scared if I'd have to go through what I just had once again.
I have alot to say right now. But I don't know how.
I am still so broken. Though people could hardly notice.
I'm not always strong. I may give good advices but i sure do have problems applying them to myself. I still have alot to hide.
I'm sorry dudes and babes for being a bitch tonight.
My bitch season is here. Bloody period.

Okay now bitches. Fuck you. Mwah!

*I need a place to hang my heart.*

2010-05-24T14:45:00.000-07:00

Went JB with a couple of friends earlier.. My throat is still killing me. tsk.
I don't have anything much to blog about right now. Cause today was rather boring.
OH, I'm hooked to this song.. Boyce Avenue - Every Breath. That guys so cute!

Chatted with Chris and hour ago. He'll be flying over to Singapore sometime in September.
He'll try. So It's kinda confusing, whether or not he's gonna come. Make up your mind, dude. Haha. I'm single now. You can propose me! :p

I miss Syarul very much.. Nevermind. 6 more days now.. Okay.. Hehe.

Okay now.. my throat needs some rest now.

Bye!!!!!!

My heart is still beating baby.

2010-05-23T15:16:00.000-07:00

Even though I know I'm worth so much more and that I deserve some one a whole lot better, I don't think there's anyone who could ever make me feel the way you made me feel.
Even though I've met someone who could make me forget you instantly, he still doesn't give me the feeling you gave me. The only reason why it hurts so much is because I loved you too much. And I'm not willing to let it go. Cause you took away everything and now you're taking it easy. It's not over, baby.

The nights you promised you won't leave me no matter what.
The nights you held my hand to sleep.
The night you came home from work and surprised me with a pooh bear in your raincoat.
I could go on, but if I do, then it would never end.

I just hope you'll find everything that you need, and see what you need to see.
When you find you, come back to me.
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I can sit and stare at you all night long reminiscing the times when i still love you.
I'm sorry, but that's all I'm willing to do for you now. I don't wanna set my hopes high just to watch them fall, again. Even so, I still enjoy having you around, cause you're the only one out of a whole lot of people I've met, that could help me bury all my sorrows and pain away instantly. And that's what makes you special, my friend. We need to meet again very soon, cause it's crawling it's way back to me. You need to save me dude. *hugs*
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And to those who were there when I need someone to talk to desperately and those who were there to spend your nights cum mornings to accompany me so i won't be alone out there, i love you guys very much. And thanks for the advices, treating me breakfast and air, and other activities. Korang real ah. :p

Mom, Amir Asyraf, Nurul Hazwani, Shah, Min, Diana Babygirl, Nasz, Alysaeudora Rossanne Ali, Yus, An and the rest, you know who you are. *bighug*

Okay the throat is killing me, i need to go get some sleep now.
Good morning!

*when you find you, come back to me*

2010-05-23T09:39:00.000-07:00

I'll start updating when I feel like it okay. =)
It took me almost 2 hours to finish all these. I can't think of anything else to say.

Bye!

In loving Memories.

The things two people do to each other they remember. If they stay together, it's not because they forget; it's because they forgive.

*I can't wait to face you, make you pain like i do, break you down so low that there's no place left to go.*

I can't wait to face you, make you pain like i do, break you down so low that there's no place left to go.